Road Trip

We went on a road trip for Christmas Eve. OK so it was a Hawaiian road trip. It was 90 miles round trip. A bit of a change from Colorado. We went to North Shore. Last year we went North Shore watched the BIG waves and had coconut shrimp. So we went to do the same this year. The waves were not as big but still very beautiful.

Readers

So I was just checking out my blog traffic. Well if my blog were a town it might not even have a stop sign. It's that small. That's ok. I just found myself feeling a little sorry and then I remembered that I really haven't given it to that many friends and the I realized how silly I was being. I guess I will always have that desire to be popular. Funny I thought I would have grown out of that.

Moving right along

This weekend we moved into our new place. Our Church is sooo great. They announced it at church that we needed help moving. We had about 5 trucks, a mini van, SUV and a few cars about 15 people show up. So we were all ready when everyone arrived. It took 30 min to load everything up and another 30 min to unload. They is the fasted move I have ever been involved in yet alone had my self.

On another note. My forced early resignation letter had a little bite today. I received a letter in my mail box informing me that even though I had said my last day would be Jan 4th. They wrote that they request my last day will be the 24th of Dec. It's bad enough that it is Christmas Eve. What makes it worse is that I had put in a vacation request before I knew I would be leaving asking for Dec 24th - Jan 1 off. So tomorrow I will go to them and let them know that with that in mind my last day will be Dec 21st.

We are still in the midst of unpacking. Overwhelmed with everything going on and surrounded by mess. Of course this comes just after I have noticed I focus way too much on the negative and am making an effort to focus on the positive. Tomorrow I will take the bus for the 1st time to work. So I plan on leaving extra early since I could find the exact bus I need to take on line. The good news I know that the bus right in front of our new place will get me to work. It may not the the quickest one but it will get me there.

The Stork

Tonight I find myself really wishing that the stork was how babies came. Kind of silly I know. That way I wouldn't be feeling defective because my body hasn't gotten pregnant in 8 years, well ever.

I am really can't wait til we are able to fly to Fiji and adopt. There are just so many things that go through my mind. The biggest one is what is going to happen next to block out journey there. I know that everything that has happened and will happen is part of GOD's plan. I know that HE is faithful and any other obstacles that arise will be used for growth and good. I dream of what it will be like to finally have a little one. And I really wish it was happening tomorrow. Although I know that having everything lined first is best.

Then I feel guilty that I wonder what our children would look like if I was able to get pregnant. I'm pretty positive that they would be the cutest little one on the planet. Truly I'm not bad looking and Jason is pretty handsome.

Maybe we will end up will a house full of gorgeous Indian children from Fiji. Maybe we will have a little of both. I'm just sitting here with my arms empty and a longing for them to be filled with a baby.

It doesn't help that I found out just the other day that my brothers brother had another baby. That makes 3 boys. What's harder for me is that the were married one year after Jason and I.

I'm just very full of tears right now that are not holding back for anything.

Confused

So I got the new job. It doesn't start until Jan 7th. Earlier I was extremely excited. Now I am strangely bummed. It doesn't make sense. I went from bouncing excitement to blah. Everything is falling into place. We move into out new place on Saturday. What more could I want? I really don't know.

Cozy, Snuggley

For the last few days it has been cool here. Mid 70's to low 80's. Funny how I think that is cool now. The great thing is that in the mornings is has been low to mid 70's in our room. So we have been sleeping with the blanket on. As you can imagine this doesn't happen much is the air con is not on. With this being a 4 day weekend I have been able to be lazy and snuggle in bed. It has been very refreshing. The other great thing is that it had been raining some too so I have been accompanied by the sound of beautiful rain while being cozy in bed.

On another note I've been packing too. Yesterday as I packed I came across a picture of Jason at about age 3. He was sooo cute. I had a little pang in my heart that we might not know what our kids would look like. Now I really am Sooo excited about adopting and I can't wait until we hop on that plane foe Fiji. I know that GOD has a GREAT plan for us and HE is getting us ready for the child HE has for us.

Update

We are going to be moving in to a 2 bedroom on Dec 1st.

I had an interview yesterday and it went really well. It looks like I won't get what I was interviewing for which was front office, but I might be getting to work there doing back office which is what I like better. The Doctor seems really nice and very generous. The draw back is that the back office position isn't open until after the new year.

My current boss was trying really hard today to get on my last nerve. I kept repeating to myself, don't let it bother you, it's not that big of a deal. I hope that now that I have a possible new job I can hold out and keep my mouth shut.

My mom and I have had some great conversations about hurt and they have gone amazingly well. I'm sharing deeper with my Mom than I have in years.

We a planning to hold on going to Fiji to adopt until may or june. We decide that it would be best for us to get things in order before we bring a baby into things. I just wanted to jump on the plane and figure it all out later. A very smart friend gave me some really great wisdom. She said "I think GOD knew what he was doing when HE made our gustation period 9 months. It lets us prepare of the baby coming." well it went something like that.

That's all for now.

Thankful

I've been reading other blogs and at the verge of tears.

Sometimes it feels like my problems are so BIG. That is when I decide to look at my GOD through my problems and forget how BID HE is. When I get back into my right mind and look at my problems through my GOD I can see how small they are.

I have SO much to be thankful for. I have an awesome husband that supports me even when I'm off my rocker. GOD has us in a wonderful church family. We are making friends here in Hawaii. We are soooooo blessed. GOD is bringing healing into my relationship with my mom. HIS time is perfect. We could be parents in 6 months thanks to adoption. We have a new place to lie with more space. I might have a new job.

GOD love me and what could be better than that.

Failure

Today I'm feeling like one of the biggest failures in the world. Funny thing is it is attached to something I have no control over. My body is not doing what it was designed to do. Now I know that God is aware of this and that this is most likely part of his plan. I still feel like a failure because everything in this feels like its my fault. I'm unable to get pregnant for no known reason. My employer is unwilling to hold my job while we go to adopt. Now I know that switching jobs is not a bad thing, it is just hard to expect someone else to hire my with the knowledge that with in the next 6 months I will be need 3 weeks off. Most prospective employers don't want to hire someone who needs so much time off right away. It would be so much easier if my current employer would work with me. They all ready know how skilled I am. They say that my skills are very valuable to them but when the rubber meets the road they do not back up anything with they're actions (another good reason for another job).

I'm sure you are thinking what is the big deal with waiting a little longer??? After waiting for 7 years already I should be good at it and see that there is an end in sight. Instead knowing that it is so reachable makes it hurt more that we are back into a holding pattern. I'm feeling like my plane is going to run out of fuel before we get clearance to land. I know that tomorrow I will most likely feel differently.

Today I'm feeling that if my body would cooperate and work like it was made to all this other stuff wouldn't be a worry. I know GOD has a plan and through HIS plan he is working in me to make me closer to HIM. Just a lot of tears involved right now.

Pushing Through

It seems to be that once a week is my average at blogging. Many times I think about things to blog but I just don't make the time. There is so much going on right now.

We are trying to find another apartment. That doesn't seem like that hard of a task. Here in Hawaii its harder than any other place I've looked. The cost is high and for the price some places are so bad that you wonder how it is they could charge so much for nothing. You have to be diligent and keep looking even when you are discouraged by what you find. We are looking for a 2 bedroom apartment. Funny thing is that a 2 bedroom apartment that is 650 sq feet is going for the same price as we have rented our 1640 sq feet house in Colorado.

I am still looking for a job. Haven't found anything yet. I know that GOD will guide me to that place I'm supposed to be.

We are waiting and praying for the right time for us to go to Fiji. We want it to be GOD perfect timing. With everything going as fast as it has been I don't want to run ahead of GOD but I also don't want to freeze either. I know have my passport so that when the time is right we can go. It seems very unreal that in a matter of months we could be parents.

It's a little scary to think that we will have a little one soon. All these fears are trying to come in. Thing like we are getting in over our heads. I know I'm supposed to be a Mom. I know that GOD put that dream in me. Even through 7 years of infertility it was not extinguished. I guess that I knew in my heart that there would be a day I'd be a parent, I just kept thinking GOD has a plan. I guess my brain never thought of what it would be like when it happened.

Still here

I know it's been a long time since my last post. We came home from Colorado and hit the ground running. Things have been very busy.

So while we were in Colorado a friend offered to help us with adoption. When we got home another friend knew someone that knows a couple that run an orphanage in Figi. So long story short we are working our way to going to Figi to pick up a child. A lot of prayer is needed. First off we need a bigger place. We have been looking and not able to find anything good in our range. Second I found out yesterday that if I take more than 1 week off from my job I will be replaced. I feel I need to take 1 week to go to Fig and 2 weeks to get settled into a new groove before going back to work. So I'm looking for a job too. One thing we hadn't counted on needing to do in the flurry of everything else.

We were both hit hard by the news that I wouldn't have a job to come back to. But if I want when I'm ready to go back to work and they have an opening they will re-hire me and I get to start from scratch.

Colorado

Yea we're here. Can we go home now??? Funny thing that just under a year ago Colorado was the only home we had ever had. My family moved to Colorado when I was 6. Jason was born in Colorado. So I find it funny that in 11 months we have totally adapted to our new home in Hawaii. At dinner the other night all my table mates were a liitle taken back by my refering to Hawaii as home. They thought I should still refer to Colorado as home and Hawaii as where I live.

After being here for 2 days my wonderful husband asked can we go home now. We love the people here. All our family and friends are great. For Jason Colorado in the fall is torture. The fact that everything is dying and the feeling in the air make him feel a little off. He just doesn't like the way he feels. I too am not liking the way my skin is soooo dry, I can't drink enought water to stop the the dryness in my mouth and it hurt to breath the air is too dry. We are also struggling to get our bodies to adapt to the time change.

What is wonderful about our trip so far is the people. I realize how much I miss having good friends. Just sitting around sharing. I know back home this will happen eventually but for now I wish I could bring back friends with me.

A little late

After 7 years of trying to have children you would think that I would be used to the fact that my period comes every month. I guess thats not anything you ever really stop feeling. I was a few days last this month and as much as I tried to keep myself from hoping I was pregnant it didn't work. Thankfully my husband is very understanding and was very supportive when I told him and then we went for comfort food (hamburger and fries). I know GOD has a plan. I'm happy that even after so long I can still get hopeful even though it hurts when the period does come. The good thing is that it is a lot better than it was 6 years ago. I would totally crash and burn. So the good thing is that I can see that GOD has worked in me a lot of great things through this.

I know with out a doubt that one day we will have kids. If we get pregnant or adopt it is in GOD's hands. For our anniversary my parents bought us this fertility monitoring kit. Before you start thinking my parents are out of their mind, I asked for this. It's called the OV watch. You wear it while you sleep and it monitors the levels in your sweat. About 4 days before ovulation there is a chemical spike that the watch detects to let you know when your most optimum times of fertility are. So on a positive note we are going to try that this month.

Colorado here we come.

It's funny how time flies. Next week we head to Colorado. I can't believe it's almost here. I'm not sure how we are going to do with the temperature. The last couple mornings here I have thought it was a little cool as I got out of bed. That was at least until I looked at the temp and it was 80-82. I think we are in for a week of jeans and sweatshirts. In preparation for our trip we have sat down and planned most of our trip. We have never planned so many activities for a vacation. Normally we go to our destination and decide what we are doing when we wake up that morning. Funny how 10 days doesn't seem long at all when you are trying to cram a lot into them.

Life here in Hawaii has been a little wet. You can tell Fall is on its way the rain has been steady at night for about the last week. Also rain off and on through out the day too. Although when it rains here it doesn't really cool anything down. The rain has been nice to listen to. Like right now I hear it falling outside on the leaves of the trees behind us. The one thing I do miss about the rain here is the absence of lightning and thunder.

Colorado here we come.

It's funny how time flies. Next week we head to Colorado. I can't believe it's almost here. I'm not sure how we are going to do with the temperature. The last couple mornings here I have thought it was a little cool as I got out of bed. That was at least until I looked at the temp and it was 80-82. I think we are in for a week of jeans and sweatshirts. In preparation for our trip we have sat down and planned most of our trip. We have never planned so many activities for a vacation. Normally we go to our destination and decide what we are doing when we wake up that morning. Funny how 10 days doesn't seem long at all when you are trying to cram a lot into them.

Life here in Hawaii has been a little wet. You can tell Fall is on its way the rain has been steady at night for about the last week. Also rain off and on through out the day too. Although when it rains here it doesn't really cool anything down. The rain has been nice to listen to. Like right now I hear it falling outside on the leaves of the trees behind us. The one thing I do miss about the rain here is the absence of lightning and thunder.

8 Years

As of today Jason and I have been married 8 years. Its hard to believe that time has gone by so fast. We had a wonderful night out. We had a great diner. It was nicer than we thought we could do. GOD provided for us to go to a nice restaurant. Who said GOD doesn't care about the little things. I am so blessed by the husband GOD has given me. It amazes me how GOD made us for each other and worked things out just perfectly for us to find each other. Evan the things that were hard at the time I can now see how GOD used it all for me to find Jason.

Parents

So my parents are here. Haven't had much time to do any thing else. So far the trip has been good only one little issue so far. 3 more days to go. After they leave I'll post more indepth.

DON'T STRESS

That's an easy thing to say but hard to put into practice. I can't tell you how many time I've heard from people that we will get pregnant when I stop stressing and stop thinking about it. Funny thing is I'm sure that I haven't been totally stressed out for the full 8 years of our marriage. Plus I know many many people that have gotten pregnant in the most stressful time of their life. I find it funny that we as humans think we need to come up with a formula to try to help others in what ever problems they are going through. In stead of just listening we think we need to help in making things better. Many times in our attempt to make things better we actually make them worse. We ailenate our friends by making them feel even more like a failure. I know the stress thing for me made and makes me feel like a failure. Stress is a given in life. Especially in our life right now. In the stress we are learning to lean more and more on GOD but the learning process is stressful. I am trying to stop myself from giving a plan of attack to friends going through a hard time and just listen and point them to GOD. The truth is HE is the only one with the plan that works. Even as I write I'm reminding myself to turn to GOD as I am near freaking out myself.

As I metioned in another post things are kind of snowballing for us. And even today more things increased the size of that snowball. I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how big the snowball gets GOD is still bigger.

Pictures

One of these days I will get some more pictures up. I know we live in a beautiful place, we just never have our camara on us. Or when we do we forget to use it which would be what we did when we went to the beach on Sunday.

The Journey Continues

So I'm starting this blog by grabbing the kleenex. Right now I feel like I am trying to go up a very steep mountain in the pouring rain. One of my biggest weaknesses has always been finances. Jason has always known this and I try to get better but when $$$ are tight I get a little up tight. So w week or so ago I mentioned that I confused checking accounts and caused a little problem but it worked out fine. It just left me unhappy with myself that I would be that stupid. So yesterday I got a notice from our Hawaii bank of an over draft. My first thought is what did I do know. Well it turns out that it had nothing to do with me. So what happened is a check we deposited in our account was returned because of a bank misunderstanding at the check's bank. The big problem is that we had paid bills off of that check that then bounced back. So last night as soon as I got home from work I went into a tail-spin and lots of tears. Of course this would happen on friday night before a long week-end. I have no idea how all of this will work out. I know GOD is still in charge. We also switched a bill to pay less interest and pay it off sooner not realizing it would greatly increase our payment.

This is on top of our up coming trip to Colorado and the $$$ I know that we will need for the trip and I have no vacation time. We have friends in town and plan on hanging out with them Monday. Then my parents come next week and we always spend more $$$ than normal when guests are in town. The cars tags are due and the list goes no. I know that the fact that this all happened just as Jason switches to working for the church is not a coincidence. Just as I feel like I'm going to crumble into a million pieces I feel that this is just a sign that we are doing what GOD wants us to. In that I know that HE will take care of all that little things. Even when the little things feel like a hippo. NOTHING is too big for GOD. I keep repeating that to myself.

Then of course my period started yesterday too. I was really hoping that we were pregnant. Of course I have know idea how we would work that but it would be sooo great. As far as $$$ goes I have no idea how we could ever have $$$ to adopt. So we keep hoping and praying to get pregnant. Even though it has been 7 years and nothing has happened yet. GOD has a plan.

I feel like my head is going to explode. Why can't things happen 1 at a time.

Hip progress

So after months of seeing doctors about my hurting hip and very little improvement I had given up. So the 1st saturday in august I went to out churches surf clinic. This is where thise learing are paired up with a coach that help them and gives them a push so you don't have to work so hard to catch the wave. So I'm surfing away. Then I catch a wave, stand up, then my board jurks back and then my leg and then I'm in the water. Well what had happened is that my leash had gotten wrapped around my coaches arm and when it jurked me off the board it totally jurked my coaches arm. Well my leash is always on my right leg which is my hurting hip. So when I come up out of the water I have fear all over my face because my hip popped, no pain but it popped. I'm at this point thinking that going surfing was the worst thing I could of done. I went up on the beach and rested the rest f he time at the beach. Well since surfing my hip has been doing the best it has since we moved. I told my doctor who put in the chart nites hip doing much better after surfing accident. Funny how things work spmetimes.

Long time

Nothing much is happening. Same old same old. My parents come in just over a week. I had a good talk with my mom a few days ago. It sounds like GOD is doing great things in my parents lives. So I'm hoping that maybe this visit will be less drama than normal. I'm not as stressed at work. We have some friends coming next week. I'm so happy for the holiday. So we are planning on hanging out with them Monday. This is Jason's last week with Apple. It will be nice for him to be doing just one job. He's been doing things for the church in his spare time.

Pushing through

It's been a long hard weekend. I learned that I paided a bill out of the wrong account and had to fix the mess. Then I found out a company that has been paid in full decided to pull out their money any way so I get to call them tomorrow. I feel like I'm walking through deep mud. Over whelmed. My parents are coming in a few weeks and it is stressing me a little. Trying to get things ready for our trip in october. Oh and Jason starts working for our church on Sept 1st. My job is still hard. Also really wanting a baby. GOD is in charge and I trust he has a plan. It's been an emotional weekend.

Itty Bitty

That would be the swim suits I tried on tonight. I've never thought of myself as having a large chest. Well tonight the suits I tried at a local swim wear shop made me look enormous. I started with my normal medium that once it was on looked like a small!!!! Then the large and it showed way too much white white skin. I walked out of the dressing room and asked my amazing husband (yes he went without a fight). To which he agreed not enough suit there to do the job. I think this place is paid off by guys who want girls tops to come off in the surf. It's one thing if you are in a pool, but the ocean has a way of removing the best suit let alone one that is short on fabric. This on;y adds to my frustation of swim suits. I bought one on line and it fits ok and now that I made some alterations it is ok to wear under my rash gaurd in the water, but it is not safe enough for surf with out rash gaurd. Jason says that if we are out and my top leaves me for bare he will yell PEAK-A-BOO. Thank for the support sweety. The search goes on.

Charlie

Before I started this post I asked Jason, what's his name? I'm refering to our resident gecko. I'm not sure how I feel about Charlie. When we first moved into our apartment I thought I wanted gecko's to keep the roaches out. I'm not sure about that now. When we first moved roaches were the worst. Now that I have a spray bottle of soapy water (kills them in seconds) and catnip (which help to keep them away) I think I'm ok with roaches. Charlie is most likely helping keep the number of roaches down too. The thing with charlie is that he makes me jump out of my skin once a day or so. He jumps like crrazy. The first day I met him he was in out closet that holds out trash can. I saw somehting move like lightning, I knew roaches don't move that fast. Them after watching him bounce around I figured that it was a gecko. Now most mornings he darts back to the stove area and I jump. This is not the best way to wake up in the morning. I only hope the he doesn't move any friends in with him. I've heard that they can get really noisy. So far I have heard any noise out of charlie and I hope he keeps it that way. If he starts makin noise I really won't like him.

How low can you go?

Tonight I find myself feeling at rock bottom. Crazy thing is looking at my situation I shouldn't be feeling this low. So many others have a lot worse situations than I. All I know is I feel aweful. I know that GOD is good and he has a plan. HE has big plans, I know this, but is still feel aweful. I am not where I thought I would be a 33. The biggest thing is I though by now I would be the parent of 2 or more kids. Didn't think I'd be working at least not full time. I want to be a full time mom, or making my primary job my kids and working part time when Jason is home to take care of them. My job is a total deadend. My attempts to find something new have turned up nothing. At work what I was given charge of has been given to someone else. Not because of performance, just because they were unable to find a Doctors Assistant to take my place so I could devote my time to the skin care treatment. So they hired an Estanitistion to take over the skin care treatments and I become second fiddle. It's not that I mind being second fiddle it just means that I'm stuck doing the same old boring stuff with out any challanges. I also looked a Real Estate here and that wasn't a good idea already feeling down. The only things we could afford are studio's or really really run down and aweful. To top it off my hip still is having spurts of hurting really bad and they haven't been able to figure out why. The silver lining is that I have a really amazing husband that is very supportive and loving even when I have a poopy attitude. I know everything is where it is for a reason and GOD has a plan that when it all pans out will be better than I could ever imagine. Just for now I'm tired of waiting. GOD please give me strength and joy.

Little One

So today I find myself really missing having a child. I'm watching a movie and for some reason it has me at tears wanting a little girl. Actually I really don't care about boy or girl, I just want a little one to hold. Tears are ready to flow but the words seem to be stuck. My heart is exploding with emotion but can't think of the words to write.

Hard

Today is in the middle of the 2 biggest losses of my life.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of the lose of the most amazing women I've every had the honor to know. She showed me the best example of how to be Godly wife and mother when I do have kids. She was to most giving person I know. She encouraged me in my sewing and belived in me even when I didn't. It was so forgien to me to have a motherly person be encouraging, supportive and 100% avalible. As I'm sure you can tell my mother was the opposite to Theresa. GOD used her to bring great healing to my heart in the arena of a mother. Since I had never seen the GOD consumed mother who's only goal was to love everyone so much that it gave an amazing picture of GOD himself. So selfless and loving.

Tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of my little brother David's death. Last year I went through the hardest most intense grieving of his death 2 weeks before the anniversary and wondered why and what was wrong with me it had been 12 years. Then Theresa passed. I am an example that GOD really doesn't give you more than you can bear. Even though it is very hard. He knew if I hadn't worked through the lose before I would had benn a bigger mess than I was. Also having just reprossessed through David's death I had all the feeling very fresh and was able to be emotionally avalable to help where I could. Even if it was only a hug or just a few words I was in familuar teritory. I really miss my little brother and wonder what he would be like now @ 29. He was only 16 when he died. It's funny how GOD works. I have a brother in-law that is exactlly the same age they were born 2 or 3 days appart. It's been great to see my brother in-law with his kids and think about my brother. It's hard to think that David has almost been gone as many years as he lived.

The great thing is that I know that both Theresa and David are in heaven. That both of them are no longer in pain and nolonger have limitations. I really miss both of them.

Round & Round

Tonight I'm in this never ending circle of wondering what I'm suposed to be doing with my life and feeling very useless. I know this is not true but my heart is sad. I still have not found a job. I know GOD will make it plain to me when the right one comes up, but if feels like its taking forever. Then there is the daily grind of things that feels so rutish. I'm tired of the same old same old. I want to know that I'm right where GOD wants me. I know that we are suposed to be here in Hawaii but my heart is longing for good friends. There are a few that I see a few times a week at church gatherings but no one yet that I can meet with one on one to really share my heart. I'm really feeling the drain of not having a close friend here. Blogging is good but not the same. When I'm feel like this it is normally after 8 pm here so most everyone I know is in sweet dreams and wouldn't much appreciate a call. I know that many of you wouldn't mind the call but the truth is I'm not so low that I feel ok call and waking people up. May be I'm so low because I haven't made it to the beach n weeks. Another thing adding to the lowness is hearing a small baby crying out our back window and wishing that we were being kept up all night with the sweet cry. I know it sounds crazy that I'm wanting to be sleep deprived and everything that goes with.

Time off

Today I was dreading telling my administraror that we had purchased our plane tickets. That after waiting 6 weeks to hear if it was ok to take the time off we could wait no longer. Also the cost was only going up. I was afraid that he would get on a major power trip. So I prayed for the right words to say. Well they were the right words because he didn't get upset or anything and he told me he was sorry that he hadn't gotten to it sooner. So he never did say my trip was ok but he didn't say it wasn't either. So with tickets bought I guess that means I have the time off. Guess I'll find out.

Bouncy, Bouncy

So we bought one of the exercise balls to sit on at the computer. I'm sitting on it now just in case you were wondering. Funny thing is that when I sit on it I bounce. Just a little. The only way I stop is if I tighten my but muscles really tight. Whats better is as I bounce i start getting into it and bouncing more until I'm a little like tigger. Then I start laughing because it's funny. Of couse when Jason sits he doesn't bounce and keeps asking me why I bounce of course I have no asnwer. Then we both laugh because when he asks I try really hard not to bounce and it only lasts a minute. It's great. GOD must of known I needed a laugh so I figured I'd share. Plus what are friends for but to share the silly stupid things we do :)

Wierd Body

Well again I heard from another Doctor that they are not sure what to do with my body. Well thankfully I have worked past that making me feel defective. Basicly I now think I'm a tool to keep Doctors humble and realize they don't have all the answers. Not always a easy mindset since I want them to have the answers and fix things, but it keeps me dependant on GOD and not man. We did find out the there is no kidney damage so we don't know what causes the pain around the kidneys that I have mildly a lot of the time. My hip pain is a mystery still too. Everything that should be helping me get movement back is either causing bad pain or actually decreasing movement. It's a little hard having a hurting hip when you walk back and forth to work 1 mile each way. Stairs aren't fun either and we live in a 3 story walk up and we are on the 3rd floor of course.

On a side note I still haven't heard anything about the resturant job. I LOVE waiting!!!!!

What do I feel?

I feel so undone that I don't even know what to think. As some of you know I'm a very planned person and not the best at change. Right now everything is so up in the air. It looks like I will be trying out a job for 2 weeks. If I like it I will be changing perfesions in to the food service industry. Of couse I can't start small. I will be trying out assistant managing at a Italian Resurant in downtown Honolulu. Also if the owner likes the way I take care of things I will be transfered to take over the new resturant in Waikiki. Nothing like a little pressure. I will be keeping my current job and working 7:30-4:15 there and going strait to the resurant to work from 5-9. Jason is a little worried that I will get overwhelmed. I'm excited for the change. But has left me feeling like a fish out of water. With that schedule It will greatly limit my time with Jason. I have been blessed with having 4 evenings during the week with him and that will go away if I stay at the resturant. But I will have Sat & Sun off.

Emotionally I'm confused. I have found that when I feel this way I have 2 movies that I tend to watch that make me feel better but I'm unsure why. The first one is Just Like Heaven ans the other is Ten Things I Hate About You. Which I watched both tonight. Just Like Heaven I think helps put things in perspective. Ten Things I Hate About You I think helps me see that what we're looking for is not always in the place we look but somewhere unexpected. All I know is I feel a little better.

I still feel emotionally unstable. This always happens when things are unsure and not concrete. Change is good but is very shaking for me. Funny thing is that I sent out 10-15 resumes and the Italian resurant is the only one that contacted me. Either it is GOD saving me from confusion or the other option is very depressing so I'll stick with the lack of confusion.

Where does the time go

I keep thinking about blogging and then next thing I know the day is over. Yesterday I went for a last minute interview. The only person so far to respond to my resume's that I've sent out. It went well. I have a meeting with the owner and his son for lunch today and we'll see how it goes. It would be totally differant. It would be assistant manager at an Italian resturant. It's very exciting and frightening at the same time.

In shock

Today I was talking to my co-worker that just started on monday Yvette. I we talked I found out we have something in commom. The thing we have in common is the one thing in my life I never thought I would find in common. I know many people with simular experiences but yet very differant. What I am talking about is my brothers death. How close our stories are in wierd. As we talked I had chicken flesh.

We both lost our only full sibling. Both of our brothers died of unexpected sudden heart failure. We both only found out why through the coreners report. We both has 3 half siblings. Yvette has 1 half sister and 2 half brothers. I half 1 half brother and 2 half sisters. We were able to talk in a way that amazed me. I don't know if she believes in Jesus yet our not. But I have a feeling Jesus brought us together to do something amazing.

I feel a strange conection with her because we have gone down a very simular road. One that I knew others had gone down but had never met any one on.

Why

This may be a little whinny. You have been warned. Today I mentioned to the Doctor I didn't ask my friends to move the wedding but that the date was set for the times I asked for. He laughed, then realizing that he was used as the leverage he said I forgot that I asked Donald to ask for you to ask them to move it. All that said to say I still don't have an answer to whether I can get the time or not. Truth is that I know my time there is limited I just don't know for how much longer. So if they say no it will not keep me from the wedding. It is so rude for them to drag their feet and keep us from planning. Truth is that in this case we are going to buy the tickets whether or not I have their ok, but in a normal situation they could be causing someone to pay more for air fair than they need to. That is not right!!!!!!
I feel so out of place at work because of the fact that I'm looking for another job. Today is the first time I have felt anger toward my Doctor. I realized he is just as guilty for the guild trips and mind games as Donald is because the Doctor allows Donald to have the power to do so. I just want everything to be calm and normal. Wish I knew what normal was.

Work

So I haven't asked GOD for more conformation about my job, but I got more today. I fell that GOD ask confirmed that it is ok for me to leave. Today HE really made it plain. I was doing a skin treatment on a friend of my Doctor that I work for. She knows the administrator and how he is. Even though she is a friend of the doc I felt a freedom in sharing with her what I've been going through. Her husband is an eye doctor with his own practice. I told her of some of the stresses and she wasn't surprised but sad that I was going through the stress. She confirmed my feelings that no job is worth that much stress and power trip. She also thought it good for me to get out as soon as I can. Also she said that once I leave that if I didn't find something that she would make a position for me. She and her husband sound like the kind of boss that I worked for in Colorado that was the most amazing boss I've ever had. The only thing is that she can't be what I leave for because of her friendship with the doctor that I work for. GOD is so good.

Decision

We have decided to rent to this guy. If he still wants it. We e-mailed our agent with a few questions last night. She feeling our stress ask if he would pay 1 years rent up front. He said yes. We e-mailed tonight saying to go ahead if he still wants and that we only want 6 months rent up front. So far no news about a dog which is good and also no metion of painting. I think that this is totally where GOD wanted us so that we would be willing to think about giving him a chance even with out good credit. It feels good to think that are house is most likely rented. WOW.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?

So we were just notified that we have gotten our first app. on the house for renting. The problem is that his credit is bad because his house is in forclosure because he had to quit his job to take care of is daughter. He is a cop working at getting a job. The negative is that because he didn't pass the agents credit check it is up to us to take the risk. When the prespective tenant passes the credit check the cost of eviction is on the agent not us. So we risk having a costly proccess if we have to evict. Then I wonder is this why it hasn't rented? Did we have to get to this point of desperation to be willing to be the ones to take a chance on this guy and help him get back on his feet. I afraid though that is we do and it turns out bad that we may end up with our house in forcloser. I know GOD is in control and it is his house and his money we are just trying to do the right thing. Why can't it be black and white? I really like black and white. It would also be good if GOD would send an e-mail or something. We don't want to make a hasty decision but we also don't want to miss the one and only person so far to turn in an app.

The hike

Today I was thinking about the journey Jason & I have been on these 6 months. It reminds me of Hanging lake hike near Glennwood Springs in Colorado. The first 2 times I tried it I didn't make it all the way. Its only a mile or so but vert steep. But I've made it to the top at least twice. It is so worth it. It is one of the most beautiful sence I have seen. Here in Hawaii I feel like we are on a very steep hike. The great thing is that we really can't turn back. We could move back to Colorado and have a house to live in but nothing else, so not the best option. I know that GOD is in control and that when we reach the top it will be like nothing we have ever experienced. I keep reminding myself that where GOD guides he provides. He has been so faithful to us even when we freak out. I also know that like the rest of my life experiences my testimony will be HIS faithfulness through it all. I am over whelmed at HIS amazing love.

Up's & Down's

So everyone can get a laugh I am sitting here with frozen lima beans on my hip while I write. I've been having severe pain in my hip since we've moved to Hawaii and no one can figure out why. But any way at hula practice we were working on refining different steps. Of course I don't know when to stop before pain. So I would follow in the steps until my hip would stop me and now it hurts and I wonder why. That was a bunny trail.

So I just got home from our church women's night be had dinner at Cindy's house and watched The Count of Monte Cristo. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and I didn't want to leave. So now I'm sad and feeling all alone. This is where the blog is wonderful since everyone I could call is in the midst of wonderful dreams I hope. I don't understand why I'm so sad. It's late and I should go to bed. Coming home is the normal thing to do after an event. I guess I was so in need of contact with other ladies that I didn't want it to end.

So we heard from the rental company today. They are totally baffled at why the house isn't renting. It is one of the nicest best showing house they have and it's a great price but it still doesn't rent. It is getting the best responses from all the houses they are showing. Everyone says they are going to turn in an app. and no one has yet, Crazy. You know GOD has something great planned when man is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. GOD has the prefect people for our house and they haven't found it yet. So if you could pray for our perfect renters to find our house already that would be great. Why am I complaining? GOD has taken care of every need and then some. It has been the most comfortable but beauty comes out of pain. Plus on the other side of this hopefully some of the ugly things in me that have needed to be gotten rid of will have been worked out of me. GOD has a plan and it is greater than anything I could imagine.

I still don't know what to do about my job. I'm sure I need another one but don't know what that will be. I sent out about 10 resumes with cover letters to jobs I found on craigslist. I was super careful to word it right and wrote it in word for spell check. Well yesterday I figured out that the cover letter I had been copy and pasting had a misplaced word. I had meant to say attached is my resume, instead I had typed attacked is my resume. So I know now why I hadn't gotten any responses to the e-mails. Funny how humbling little things like that can be.

Happy Birthday little brother

Yesterday would have been my little brothers 29th birthday. Last night at church we were going through Leviticus 10. This is where Aaron's sons Nadab & Abihu are killed by fire from GOD. They had been prepared, washed, clothed, set apart and they had the right tools. But they had the wrong fire. They were doing it their own way and they paid with their lives. Waxer talked about how we try to rationalize GOD. We wonder why is it that this person lived and this one died. We can start to get our selves into trouble with thoughts of fairness. Well when my brother died almost 13 years ago I struggled with the why him, why couldn't it of been me. Last night I realized I had questioned GOD's holiness. As I was praying about that I felt this overwhelming need to hug a David (that's my brother's name). In our church our pastor Waxer's real name is David and then we have David Blevins he is the assistant pastor. David Blevins is a great man but since we started going to the church I've felt he really didn't like me. Where this feeling came from I don't know he's never done anything wrong. I've started to get more comfortable around him, but when they thought came to hug a David I was a little unsure about hugging David Blevins. Well as a struggled in my head I realized there was no doubt that it was David Blevins I was to hug. You may be thinking that this girl needs help it's only a hug. So I finally went to the back and stood in front of him, he had been praying and struggling on his own with GOD. He looked at me and all I could say was I need a hug from you. Well it was just what he needed and when I told him the story he was touched. It's amazing how the little things can make such a difference. Through this little thing of a hug GOD touched David and me.

Little Bitty Card

I used to think that cards were a waist of time. Over the last year I have made an effert to write little cards- thank you, thinking of you and b-day cards. Yesterday I dropped of a condolense card for Blanche's daughter. I have never met her and didn't even know her name. I wrote the card while praying what should I say. I just wrote what was on my heart and left my phone number. Well last night I got a phone call from Roberta, Blanche's daughter. She had gotten the card and it moved her so much she had to call. We talked for about 20 min. And both of us almost cried a few times. Now I have a chance to meet Roberta at the memorial serevice for her mom. It's amazing how God can use us when we take the time to do little things.

Beautiful Blanche

6 months ago I met this amazing women. Her name is Blanche. At first I would see her and well I was in a hurry to get to work and I would pass her. Then after a day or two I noticed how she would pick flower along the way and felt that God spoke to me saying I should do the same. We started smiling at each other and then we started talking and we became friends. I had a chance to have lunch with her once and met some of the others at the community she lived in. I looked forward to seeing her every morning and getting my big hug and always the most beautiful smile and a squeeze of the hand and have a great day. There were some days we didn't see each other and I would miss the blessing of her hug. If we didn't see each other for a few days she would worry about me. She thanked me one day for taking the time to make an old women feel like she still mattered. At that I told her that she made my day and I looked forward to her smile and hug and that she had touched my heart. She was so sweet. All of this is to say that on Monday I found out that she died Thursday.

I know that God put her in my life. Being new to the area I don't have many friends and my church friends I only see on Sunday and some times Wednesday. Some times I feel alone and lacking close contact with others. Blanche fixed that problem. She made sure I felt needed and special. She will be greatly missed.

Waiting

We are still waiting to hear about our renters, they haven't turned in an app. yet. Even still God is in control.

I went to my doctor for the 2nd time today. My first visit she gave me many recomendation on how to eat better to better my health. Like no dairy, less meat, more veggies and many other things. As ussual my body did strange things even eating healthier. Today she gave me supliments to help my kidneys and thyroid. She is very excited to help me get pregnant. That is one of her specialties. I'm very glad God led me to her. She also told me for 33 I need much more muscle than I have and is pushing for me to work out more than my walking to work. Baby steps.

Today was a great day. Jason and I went to the farmers market. A short swim, short because it was wanting to rain and very windy and COLD. And then Jason went to work and will be there til 11pm. The nice thing about him working late on Saterday is when I'm off we get to hang out most of the day.

Off to figure out diner for the week. It's always been hard for me to figure out a menu but now its harder cause I'm trying to be good.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I really thought I was going to hurt someone today. By someone I mean the person @ my job that has me looking for another. It is hard to explain the extent of the senseless, meaningless, and just rediculis things he needs to be done ASAP. Doesn't matter if you are up to your eyeballs in patients or are on the phone you are expected to stop and do his bidding even if it is of no importance to the real world. God is working grace in me through this but it is so hard. I have only heard from one of the place I sent a resume to. I decided not to go for it because it is retail hour and with Jason on retail hours I see big problems. Plus when I told Jason the look on his face was that of we will never see each other if we are both on retail hours. So I thought is wise to keep trying.

So if you haven't noticed I started this for a vent/journal type of thing. Having very few friends here still and everyone I would talk to is in time zones in which it makes it too late to call when I get off work. Plus it you aren't in the mood for venting you don't have to listen.

I think we have a renter for the house. We heard about 2 girls that are interested and they have a dog, but the dog sounds great and is in doggy day care while they are at work. I can't tell you how big of a relief it is to have someone really intersted that isn't wanting us to drop the price or paint the inside. God is good.

What am I doing?

This week I have been looking for a new job. Nothing more humbling than looking for a new job in a new field. I feel like such a looser. I've sent my resume out to at least 8 differant postings online and turned in 2 application. I haven't heard anything back from anyone. How sad is that. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made but right now I don't feel like it. I know God has a plan for me and I'm on the journey. He said he'd always be with me. He didn't say it would be easy. As I look at the differant jobs out there it's amazing to me how many I can't even try for beccause I never went to college. But that's not a surprise to God. He has the right place for me I just have to wait for it to appear. The good news is that I get to hange out in a very beautiful place while I wait and occationally hang out at the beach.