In shock

Today I was talking to my co-worker that just started on monday Yvette. I we talked I found out we have something in commom. The thing we have in common is the one thing in my life I never thought I would find in common. I know many people with simular experiences but yet very differant. What I am talking about is my brothers death. How close our stories are in wierd. As we talked I had chicken flesh.

We both lost our only full sibling. Both of our brothers died of unexpected sudden heart failure. We both only found out why through the coreners report. We both has 3 half siblings. Yvette has 1 half sister and 2 half brothers. I half 1 half brother and 2 half sisters. We were able to talk in a way that amazed me. I don't know if she believes in Jesus yet our not. But I have a feeling Jesus brought us together to do something amazing.

I feel a strange conection with her because we have gone down a very simular road. One that I knew others had gone down but had never met any one on.

Why

This may be a little whinny. You have been warned. Today I mentioned to the Doctor I didn't ask my friends to move the wedding but that the date was set for the times I asked for. He laughed, then realizing that he was used as the leverage he said I forgot that I asked Donald to ask for you to ask them to move it. All that said to say I still don't have an answer to whether I can get the time or not. Truth is that I know my time there is limited I just don't know for how much longer. So if they say no it will not keep me from the wedding. It is so rude for them to drag their feet and keep us from planning. Truth is that in this case we are going to buy the tickets whether or not I have their ok, but in a normal situation they could be causing someone to pay more for air fair than they need to. That is not right!!!!!!
I feel so out of place at work because of the fact that I'm looking for another job. Today is the first time I have felt anger toward my Doctor. I realized he is just as guilty for the guild trips and mind games as Donald is because the Doctor allows Donald to have the power to do so. I just want everything to be calm and normal. Wish I knew what normal was.

Work

So I haven't asked GOD for more conformation about my job, but I got more today. I fell that GOD ask confirmed that it is ok for me to leave. Today HE really made it plain. I was doing a skin treatment on a friend of my Doctor that I work for. She knows the administrator and how he is. Even though she is a friend of the doc I felt a freedom in sharing with her what I've been going through. Her husband is an eye doctor with his own practice. I told her of some of the stresses and she wasn't surprised but sad that I was going through the stress. She confirmed my feelings that no job is worth that much stress and power trip. She also thought it good for me to get out as soon as I can. Also she said that once I leave that if I didn't find something that she would make a position for me. She and her husband sound like the kind of boss that I worked for in Colorado that was the most amazing boss I've ever had. The only thing is that she can't be what I leave for because of her friendship with the doctor that I work for. GOD is so good.

Decision

We have decided to rent to this guy. If he still wants it. We e-mailed our agent with a few questions last night. She feeling our stress ask if he would pay 1 years rent up front. He said yes. We e-mailed tonight saying to go ahead if he still wants and that we only want 6 months rent up front. So far no news about a dog which is good and also no metion of painting. I think that this is totally where GOD wanted us so that we would be willing to think about giving him a chance even with out good credit. It feels good to think that are house is most likely rented. WOW.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?

So we were just notified that we have gotten our first app. on the house for renting. The problem is that his credit is bad because his house is in forclosure because he had to quit his job to take care of is daughter. He is a cop working at getting a job. The negative is that because he didn't pass the agents credit check it is up to us to take the risk. When the prespective tenant passes the credit check the cost of eviction is on the agent not us. So we risk having a costly proccess if we have to evict. Then I wonder is this why it hasn't rented? Did we have to get to this point of desperation to be willing to be the ones to take a chance on this guy and help him get back on his feet. I afraid though that is we do and it turns out bad that we may end up with our house in forcloser. I know GOD is in control and it is his house and his money we are just trying to do the right thing. Why can't it be black and white? I really like black and white. It would also be good if GOD would send an e-mail or something. We don't want to make a hasty decision but we also don't want to miss the one and only person so far to turn in an app.

The hike

Today I was thinking about the journey Jason & I have been on these 6 months. It reminds me of Hanging lake hike near Glennwood Springs in Colorado. The first 2 times I tried it I didn't make it all the way. Its only a mile or so but vert steep. But I've made it to the top at least twice. It is so worth it. It is one of the most beautiful sence I have seen. Here in Hawaii I feel like we are on a very steep hike. The great thing is that we really can't turn back. We could move back to Colorado and have a house to live in but nothing else, so not the best option. I know that GOD is in control and that when we reach the top it will be like nothing we have ever experienced. I keep reminding myself that where GOD guides he provides. He has been so faithful to us even when we freak out. I also know that like the rest of my life experiences my testimony will be HIS faithfulness through it all. I am over whelmed at HIS amazing love.

Up's & Down's

So everyone can get a laugh I am sitting here with frozen lima beans on my hip while I write. I've been having severe pain in my hip since we've moved to Hawaii and no one can figure out why. But any way at hula practice we were working on refining different steps. Of course I don't know when to stop before pain. So I would follow in the steps until my hip would stop me and now it hurts and I wonder why. That was a bunny trail.

So I just got home from our church women's night be had dinner at Cindy's house and watched The Count of Monte Cristo. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and I didn't want to leave. So now I'm sad and feeling all alone. This is where the blog is wonderful since everyone I could call is in the midst of wonderful dreams I hope. I don't understand why I'm so sad. It's late and I should go to bed. Coming home is the normal thing to do after an event. I guess I was so in need of contact with other ladies that I didn't want it to end.

So we heard from the rental company today. They are totally baffled at why the house isn't renting. It is one of the nicest best showing house they have and it's a great price but it still doesn't rent. It is getting the best responses from all the houses they are showing. Everyone says they are going to turn in an app. and no one has yet, Crazy. You know GOD has something great planned when man is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. GOD has the prefect people for our house and they haven't found it yet. So if you could pray for our perfect renters to find our house already that would be great. Why am I complaining? GOD has taken care of every need and then some. It has been the most comfortable but beauty comes out of pain. Plus on the other side of this hopefully some of the ugly things in me that have needed to be gotten rid of will have been worked out of me. GOD has a plan and it is greater than anything I could imagine.

I still don't know what to do about my job. I'm sure I need another one but don't know what that will be. I sent out about 10 resumes with cover letters to jobs I found on craigslist. I was super careful to word it right and wrote it in word for spell check. Well yesterday I figured out that the cover letter I had been copy and pasting had a misplaced word. I had meant to say attached is my resume, instead I had typed attacked is my resume. So I know now why I hadn't gotten any responses to the e-mails. Funny how humbling little things like that can be.

Happy Birthday little brother

Yesterday would have been my little brothers 29th birthday. Last night at church we were going through Leviticus 10. This is where Aaron's sons Nadab & Abihu are killed by fire from GOD. They had been prepared, washed, clothed, set apart and they had the right tools. But they had the wrong fire. They were doing it their own way and they paid with their lives. Waxer talked about how we try to rationalize GOD. We wonder why is it that this person lived and this one died. We can start to get our selves into trouble with thoughts of fairness. Well when my brother died almost 13 years ago I struggled with the why him, why couldn't it of been me. Last night I realized I had questioned GOD's holiness. As I was praying about that I felt this overwhelming need to hug a David (that's my brother's name). In our church our pastor Waxer's real name is David and then we have David Blevins he is the assistant pastor. David Blevins is a great man but since we started going to the church I've felt he really didn't like me. Where this feeling came from I don't know he's never done anything wrong. I've started to get more comfortable around him, but when they thought came to hug a David I was a little unsure about hugging David Blevins. Well as a struggled in my head I realized there was no doubt that it was David Blevins I was to hug. You may be thinking that this girl needs help it's only a hug. So I finally went to the back and stood in front of him, he had been praying and struggling on his own with GOD. He looked at me and all I could say was I need a hug from you. Well it was just what he needed and when I told him the story he was touched. It's amazing how the little things can make such a difference. Through this little thing of a hug GOD touched David and me.

Little Bitty Card

I used to think that cards were a waist of time. Over the last year I have made an effert to write little cards- thank you, thinking of you and b-day cards. Yesterday I dropped of a condolense card for Blanche's daughter. I have never met her and didn't even know her name. I wrote the card while praying what should I say. I just wrote what was on my heart and left my phone number. Well last night I got a phone call from Roberta, Blanche's daughter. She had gotten the card and it moved her so much she had to call. We talked for about 20 min. And both of us almost cried a few times. Now I have a chance to meet Roberta at the memorial serevice for her mom. It's amazing how God can use us when we take the time to do little things.

Beautiful Blanche

6 months ago I met this amazing women. Her name is Blanche. At first I would see her and well I was in a hurry to get to work and I would pass her. Then after a day or two I noticed how she would pick flower along the way and felt that God spoke to me saying I should do the same. We started smiling at each other and then we started talking and we became friends. I had a chance to have lunch with her once and met some of the others at the community she lived in. I looked forward to seeing her every morning and getting my big hug and always the most beautiful smile and a squeeze of the hand and have a great day. There were some days we didn't see each other and I would miss the blessing of her hug. If we didn't see each other for a few days she would worry about me. She thanked me one day for taking the time to make an old women feel like she still mattered. At that I told her that she made my day and I looked forward to her smile and hug and that she had touched my heart. She was so sweet. All of this is to say that on Monday I found out that she died Thursday.

I know that God put her in my life. Being new to the area I don't have many friends and my church friends I only see on Sunday and some times Wednesday. Some times I feel alone and lacking close contact with others. Blanche fixed that problem. She made sure I felt needed and special. She will be greatly missed.

Waiting

We are still waiting to hear about our renters, they haven't turned in an app. yet. Even still God is in control.

I went to my doctor for the 2nd time today. My first visit she gave me many recomendation on how to eat better to better my health. Like no dairy, less meat, more veggies and many other things. As ussual my body did strange things even eating healthier. Today she gave me supliments to help my kidneys and thyroid. She is very excited to help me get pregnant. That is one of her specialties. I'm very glad God led me to her. She also told me for 33 I need much more muscle than I have and is pushing for me to work out more than my walking to work. Baby steps.

Today was a great day. Jason and I went to the farmers market. A short swim, short because it was wanting to rain and very windy and COLD. And then Jason went to work and will be there til 11pm. The nice thing about him working late on Saterday is when I'm off we get to hang out most of the day.

Off to figure out diner for the week. It's always been hard for me to figure out a menu but now its harder cause I'm trying to be good.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I really thought I was going to hurt someone today. By someone I mean the person @ my job that has me looking for another. It is hard to explain the extent of the senseless, meaningless, and just rediculis things he needs to be done ASAP. Doesn't matter if you are up to your eyeballs in patients or are on the phone you are expected to stop and do his bidding even if it is of no importance to the real world. God is working grace in me through this but it is so hard. I have only heard from one of the place I sent a resume to. I decided not to go for it because it is retail hour and with Jason on retail hours I see big problems. Plus when I told Jason the look on his face was that of we will never see each other if we are both on retail hours. So I thought is wise to keep trying.

So if you haven't noticed I started this for a vent/journal type of thing. Having very few friends here still and everyone I would talk to is in time zones in which it makes it too late to call when I get off work. Plus it you aren't in the mood for venting you don't have to listen.

I think we have a renter for the house. We heard about 2 girls that are interested and they have a dog, but the dog sounds great and is in doggy day care while they are at work. I can't tell you how big of a relief it is to have someone really intersted that isn't wanting us to drop the price or paint the inside. God is good.

What am I doing?

This week I have been looking for a new job. Nothing more humbling than looking for a new job in a new field. I feel like such a looser. I've sent my resume out to at least 8 differant postings online and turned in 2 application. I haven't heard anything back from anyone. How sad is that. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made but right now I don't feel like it. I know God has a plan for me and I'm on the journey. He said he'd always be with me. He didn't say it would be easy. As I look at the differant jobs out there it's amazing to me how many I can't even try for beccause I never went to college. But that's not a surprise to God. He has the right place for me I just have to wait for it to appear. The good news is that I get to hange out in a very beautiful place while I wait and occationally hang out at the beach.