Doing Good.

So we went surfing again today. We are going to do this til dawn gets too late. Today there was a almost full moon up as the sun started to lite up the sky. WOW! The waves weren't so good big it is still good exercise.

I also started Hip Hop Ab's on Tuesday. Very nice. Thanks Rachel! I started with Hip Buns and Thighs. My back did fine with it no major spasm, so that's great. The down side is it is soooo Humid here right now, I was dripping. I was talking to ladies at church about it and they want to join me. The problem is finding a place for a Tuesday night. That night is already taken by the guys. We'll see.

I watched Augest Rush last week. It is soooo good. Jason laughed at me. I teared up. Although it was more about not feeling like I have a passion for something. Then I started praying and then got all fired up about sewing. YEA. Then I decided I needed to find a dress form. THat is basicely a stand in for me so I can design stuff for me and pin fabric to it. I found a great one other than the $$$$ I then realized my body is not at a place I need to order a dress form to my current size. I started messuring myself and it was ok and got much worse. My upper half is about the same as it always is. My waist is 2 sizes larger and my hip 1 up from that and my thighs even bigger. So now I'm super motivated to exercise. Thankfully my back is going ok right now. Still having spasm but to a point I can manage.

Best way to start your Day!

Today Jason & I went for a morning surf before work. There is nothing like sitting on the water watching the sun rise. The bad thing is I realized how out of shape I am. I don't even now if what I did would count as Surfing. But I was great exercise. My arms a so weak after so many months of limited movement with the back spasms. This is one great way to fix the. I hope as my arms and upper back get stronger then the spasms with reduce and go away. I will also be starting physical therapy to help with the healing & strengthening. GOD is so Awesome. HE created the ocean in all it's beauty and power and let's us play in it. What a great DAD.

P.S. I Love You

So I watched the movie on friday before Jason got home. It is a good movie, you just need tissue. I told Jason it was best I didn't wait to watch it that it was more for girls. He only made a little fun of me about crying. It really made me think about the little things you take for grantid. Also trying to focus on the here and now. Not the when.....then we will....

Down playing a dream.

I started thinking today about how do you explain your deepest desires. How can words do justice for what makes your heart jump with excitement?

I was just thinking how people have tried to help me with my hearts desire to have kids by telling me I should be happy at the freedom we have since we don't have kid's. I can see how GOD has blessed us in our time with out children. I know we would not have moved to Hawaii if we had kid's. In the same thought it is like telling someone who is starving not to eat the hot dog in front of them because there are so many more foods that are better even though there are no other foods around. I know I have be guilty of down playing someone's dream that I have thinking I am doing them a favor by telling them some of the not so wonderful things about what they are dreaming about. How is that doing anyone a favor. Sometimes the bright side of something you are dreaming about is the only thing that keep you going in a hard spot. I am so sorry to anyone that I have done this to.

My heart is just bubbling and my eyes are near tears just thinking about my dream. The dream to be a mom. I have dreamed about this all my life. The 9 years of infertility have tried to steel this dream. There have been many days that there has barely been a glimmer left of this dream in the hard times. Even just a few months ago I was content for a little while with the thought of never having children. It was needed at the time because the pain in my body was so bad. Now that I have an idea about what causes the pain and that it will be an off and on thing instead of on all the time thing I feel like we can manage it and have children. I feel like GOD has renewed my dream of children.

Father GOD I thank you for the dreams that you have given us. I also thank you for the time of waiting knowing that you bring out wonderful things through the pain. I thank you that everything we go through allows us to be there to help others when they are going through hard times later. FATHER I pray for those who are in a dark place of their dream. I ask that you would bring them encouragement and that they would feel YOUR arms around them. FATHER I ask for your forgiveness for the times I have discouraged people about the dream YOU have given them. I thank YOU for the loving FATHER that YOU are. That you desire to give us our dreams and that YOU have perfect timing. I ask for YOUR help when the journey to our dreams is longer than we imagined and we get discouraged. FATHER I ask that I would become pregnant. I bring to YOU my dream of children and I ask that YOU would change my heart if it differs from the plans that YOU have for us. I leave it in YOUR loving hands. AMEN.

Over Drive

I woke up this morning very driven.

Yesterday I was much better, not crying at the drop of a hat. My drive is I was made with a mother's heart. GOD gave me this heart and I have felt it since I was a small child. So the trying to be ok without children thing is over. I also am feeling that I will get pregnant. After 9 years that a funny thing to think at least in my mind. I am ok with adopting but I feel strongly that I want to be pregnant. I feel that later we will adopt but not now.I may sound like a crazy women and I am a little.
What I'm sure of.
- GOD gave me this heart, if we were not supposed to have kids HE would have changed it by now.
- GOD knows what's going on with my back even if the doctors don't.
- GOD made my body and can make it happen.
- GOD is LARGE and in CHARGE.

So what I'm need from you who are reading. Please PRAY. Pray for all the things above.

On another note. I have been following a blog of a little guy going through a lot. Please go check him out at PRAYFORPARKER.COM He needs your prayer. His family need your prayer too. He is 3 years old after you see his picture you will think there is no way he's that old but he is. Pray for his healing and for the family finances. The families insurance does not cover a lot and in the beginning the family paid all the bills they could til they have nothing more to pay. Because of their trying to pay the bill collectors will not have mercy on them. So they are constantly hounded for money they do not have. Well you get the picture.

And it came.

Strange title. I just spent the last 6 days waiting for my period, and it came. You would think after 9 years I would be pretty good at this. THe good news is that I didn't cry at work today. But now I'm home and it won't stop. I am normally very on time so by day 6 I was pretty sure I was pregnant. That's what I get for thinking. All that time of working through not having kids seem to have all been wiped away. My heart is in a million pieces and I want to just give up. I know it is just the moment. I will be fine because GOD is faithful. I was so STUPID to have gotten my hopes up. Although I don't think I've ever been that late before. I really want a child. I would really like to experience being pregnant. Maybe it's just being around a lot of pregnant people I don't know. I do now a lot of people that are pregnant right now and I thought I was going to join them. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for them. I just wouldn't be able to talk about it right now with out tears. I feel very lost right now.

Ruff start

I started off my time on my own with a reaction to a new medication. The bad thing is a paniced and stopped all meds. Not knowing that one of the meds I'm on should not be stopped abruptly. So then I reacted to not having that med. I ended up in ER a very sick girl. It is so wonderful to have family and a great church family here. I felt so much love.

Now I'm doing much better. The battery in the Pathfinder decided to stop working. This was only a little bump in the road. Now it's all fixed and everything is going well.

I am ready for Jason to be back. He returnes on the 9th. YEA! This will be the longest we have been apart.

MOPED!!!!

We got a MOPED a week ago Saturday. I have ad so much fun. The plan was for Jason to use it on the days he doesn't need to haul things. The problem is I LOVE it. I enjoy it so much. It's so much better than the bus. I see us getting another one when we can. Unless Jason doesn't like it then it's all mine.

GOD Rocks

These last 2 weeks GOD had blown my mind. I know God is faithful and loves blessing his children. This last week we have been blesses beyond we could imagine.

Back ground. One of Jason's uncles graduated into heaven and we knew we needed to send him to be with family. Also Jason has had a mission's trip planned for Vanuatu for months. With both of those events we were not sure how it was going to happen but knew GOD is faithful. In short the ticket to Colorado was taken care of by a family member. For the trip to Vanuatu so many friends and family have supported him that half of the trip cost has been taken care of.

On top of all that my pain has been very low for weeks now. It has gone from being a 8-10 to being a 2-5. After months of 8-10 pain I didn't realize how low it had pushed me down until I woke up with 3 pain and felt like a new person and so happy I was bouncing.

While Jason was in Colorado I had amazing break through with GOD and feel more secure in who I am in HIM.

Tropic Thunder

Here is a link to a story about an upcoming movie. I can't believe they think this is funny. Please pop over to the site and read more.

Tropic Thunder

Long Time

Wow. Time goes by really fast. Nothing has changed with the pain thing. Trying a few new meds and see what happens.

Jason is going on a mission trip. He leave for Vanuatu the last week of this month and will be gone for just over 2 weeks. I won't know what to do with my self. This will only be the second time we've been apart for 2 weeks. This time though there is no phone calls or i-chat. That might make it harder. Jason is a little nervous. This is only his second missions trip and his first was not great. I know this one will be better. I'm sad that I won't be going.

If you hadn't figured it out we did not go to Figi and adopt as we had planned for June. We have put that on hold because of the pain stuff.

Colorado Rockies

It is official. Jason brother Chad signed with the Rockies. He will be playing for the farm team learning the ropes and see what happens from there.

MAUI

Hurray!!! We are going to Maui in July for a couple of days. A much needed break. It will be nice to see another island. We need to ask around for the things we must see.

Transportation

I am so happy that Honolulu has good public transportation and that we live near enough to my work to make the bus ride not too bad. I filled up our SUV yesterday and it was crazy. The bus is great most of the time. There is the occasional traffic problem that makes getting home almost impossible. Tuesday night they were doing road construction in the middle of rush hour. The ride home took over an hour, it normally takes 15 minutes.

We are hoping to get away to Maui in July. I'm not sure how that will work out. With airfare going up and things. It would be great to get away for a few days. It would also be nice to see another island.

Pain as a Blessing?

This is a very interesting thought. I haven't posted for a while because nothing with the pain has changes except that it has gotten worse. I don't want this blog to be only whining. I spent many days last week crying and repeating in my head GOD is good, HE has a plan for good through this, HE is still on the throne, HE loves me VERY much, and HE will use this to bless others. The great thing is this week the pain isn't as bad and repeating those thought worked because I truely believe them with all my heart now. I doesn't mean this is going to be easy but GOD is good all the time.

It has been a little hard with the thought that this month we were supposed to become parents. As sad as it is that the pain has changed that I know GOD has a plan. Only GOD knows if that plan includes kids. Amazingly I'm ok with that most of the time.

I do have a rabbit trail. There is a thought among some Christians that pain is not from GOD. That as a child of GOD we have a right to not have pain. That we can speak to that pain and speak healing into reality. Speak it in JESUS name and you will be healed. I have a problem with this thought. Firstly my mom is of the thought process on a lot of things. Thankfully she hasn't gone there on this one. Now I have definatly had lots ans lots of prayer for healing. I have a problem with what I would call "name it and claim it". Then you also have the side that is it doesn't happen like you've asked it can send you into bad depression. Plus if we are able to GOD like that what kind of GOD is HE. That to me is more like a genie in a bottle. I have also in the past been hurt in churches where they call you up for prayer for healing and right after they pray they ask you if you feel any differance from the pain any signs of healing and when you feel the same you are told the you must not have had enough faith.

Plus Paul had a thorn in the flesh. The bible doesn't say what it was exactly but it was something bad enough that he asked 3 times for GOD to take it away.

GOD can be grorified throught my pain, and HE will. When I'm having a hard time with it HE will be there to listen and hold me. In the end I know I will be able to look back and see the amazing things the HE has done in the pain.

A lot of NOTHING

Sorry it's been a while. The MRI came back clean. The things found were very small and wouldn't of caused the problem. So back to square one. I started physical therapy and it looks like that my posture as I work was tweaking my back to the right that could account for the spasms. Now that it is being worked out you would think it would be getting better. Well I have changed my posture to stop constantly turning to the right. Unfortunately the effect is opposite to what was expected. The pain is getting worse. I am in the midst of being tested for more in depth autoimmune issues and so far every thing is coming back normal. Don't get me wrong I'm happy to not have an autoimmune issue, but we are running out of causes for the pain I'm in. I'm on anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers and this should be calming down the pain. But it is not. We are trying another round of steroids in hopes that it calms it down. The next step is pain killers that I'd rather not do. I'm not sure what we are doing next.

I know that GOD has a plan in even this.

MRI

I got a preliminary report on my MRI on saturday. I have 2 slightly bulging discs in my neck and a small crevice of fluid in my spinal cord in my neck. I'm not sure what can be done. I hope to talk to the Neurologist sometime this week. It is a relief to know that there was a reason for all of the things going on. Thankfully most of the pain is gone. If I over do it I know about it. As long as I don't get too crazy everything is good.

Thanks for all the prayers

Birthday

I have the best husband ever. Yesterday was my birthday. Jason is so funny he love surprises. So he had a lot of fun not giving me any clues as to my gifts. He got me a much needed purse. Then we went to a very nice restuarant. It's been a long time since we've gone to a really nice place. It was great and I felt very special. God really has blessed me with a great husband.

I feel bad he had already guessed his present for next month. He loves surprises but he is also very good a figuring things out. Too good. I try to surprise him and he had guess correctly all but 2 or 3 times in our 9 years of celebrations.

Way to go Chad

I have to brag. My brother in-law Chad is in his senior year of college in South Carolina. He is there playing baseball. As far a baseball goes he is awesome. This season he has broken the schools record for home runs and is getting near to the regional record. This is a great way to finish BIG. He is an amazing young man with his head firmly on his shoulders. He has devoted so much of is time to baseball and training . Even when I met him he was in 8th grade and sent all of his summer with baseball teams. We think Chad is the best. Our hope is that he will get a chance at the majors.

Neurologist

I finally had my appointment. I really don't have any answers. I will be going to physical therapy and having a MRI for my full spine.

I am now pretty good in the morning but still having the spasm and tingly feelings at night. The degree depends on my activities for the day. I'm feel very lazy.

Better????

The spasms are better as long as I don't do anything. So it hasn't been very fun. I went grocery shopping saterday that put me out for a hour with spasma so bad all I could do is sit on the couch. Easter Sunday was great. Started early but good. We had a sunrise service, church breakfast, regular service, a kids Easter egg hunt and Baptism. It was a fun filled day. It was also low key enough to not really spas out my back. Today is a struggle. My job as low key as it is, is causing my back to spas. I really hope that I can get into the neurologist soon. This sitting around stuff isn't fun.

Update

Well the Neurologist office said that they hope to work me in in about 2 weeks. Thankfully the spams and the electrical feeling going down my spine has reduced a lot. I started another round of steroid treatment as a shotgun approach to reduce any inflammation in the spine if there is any. It lasts for 10 days so I will hopefully get into the Neurologist about the time it ends. Thank You for all your prayers.

New Pain

Well the pain had been very bad lately and keep changing.
My hip continues to have a high level of pain. The nerve sensations are very strong and steady for the first half of the day. Now I have a new one. Yesterday late morning I started feel a little pinch in my neck. Like when you sleep wrong except that this started after I woke up. I continues to try to help it out by little stretches. At church I had a friend rub my shoulders to try and release some of the tightness. No matter what I did nothing helped. By 8:30 last night the pain was so bad the breathing was hard and I thought I would vomit and pass out. The pinch in my neck had turned into a spasm that went down the full right side of my back with tingling into my finger and leg on the right side. What better place for this to happen than at church. After a lot of prayer my husband was ready to take me to the ER. I then remembered that I work for a Doctor and I have his cell number. I explained to him what was happening and that we were going to go to ER. He explained that it was most likely a bad spasm and all the ER would do is pump me full of pain killers. I don't do well on strong pain killers so we opted to not do ER. So now I still had the pinch in my neck/shoulder that if I do not hold my head just right starts to spasm down my back. I went into work to my Doctors surprise and was able to stay til 2:30, then the pain started to increase. I talked with my Doctor today and he is hoping to get me into a Neurologist ASPS, this is a little out of his field. So the Neurologist was out of the office today so first thing tomorrow he will call and try to pull some strings. The very crazy part is all of this pain started without any injury or accident. It has all started out of the blue. My poor husband is beside himself. So if you could be praying for Jason and strength for him and wisdom for the Doctors so they can figure out what's going on.

Ohana

I want a BIG one.

So some of you are wondering what is she talking about. Well in Hawaiian Ohana means family. I'm tired of being a family of 2. We are still planning on going to Fiji in June to adopt. But as of yet we haven't bought our tickets and it seems vage and far away. I bet you're saying far away June in 3 months away what's your deal. The answer is I don't know I just want increased numbers in our house. That does not mean I want endless visitors although they are cool for a time. I want LITTLE ONE'S, BIG time.

As far as the BIG Ohana goes that is up to GOD since we've been delayed at the starting gate for crazy to say almost 8 years. I know GOD's plan is perfect and it will blow my mind. I'm excited to see what GOD does I'm just impatient right now.

Made my DAY

I recieved a note of encouragement today and it made me cry happy tears. Sometimes you just need to hear little pick me ups. It made my day. Thank you. Now I'm inspired to drop little notes to others and hopefully that brings a smile.

2 Weeks

I can't believe it's been 2 wk since my last post.

We had guest in town for most of that time. It was a great time with friends. It just left me a little worn out. I feel worn out a lot lately maybe it's a sign I'm getting old. It was nice to have a good experience with guests. One of our first visitors left me afraid to have more visitors. The good news is that the last visitors left me with a good experience to balance out the bad one.

One of the best things is that in the last 2 wks we spent a lot of time at the beach. The is the best part of guests. It makes you make the time to go to the beach. That was wonderful. Crazy how you can live hear and go for weeks without making it to the beach. It's weird how life gets so busy that you miss out on GOD's beauty. I have a good tan going on now too.

Really life is good. My pain isn't as bad. I haven't gotten the full scoop on the blood work but it looks like it is normal. My hands seem to have carpel tunnel going on and with wearing braces when I sleep it has helped out a lot with the pain, they are still puffy but it is much better. My hip is bursitis. The hard part with that is I'm not supposed to do stairs. Let me just say we live in a 3 story on the 3rd floor with out an elevator, you tell me how that's going. Plus with guests you have to show off the sites so there was some hiking, don't tell my boss. Now I will try to take it a little easier. Unfortunately there is no way around the stairs. Even with all of that it is not as bad.

As far as adoption we are still aiming for June. It is all in God's hand. Even if it is June it doesn't seem like it will ever get here. I know on God's scale it's no time at all but on my scale it feels like it has been forever. Part of me is wondering if it will really happen. I know God is good, I guess I'm just keeping in mind that the time frame can change. I know well how plan's can change. Ultimately I want God's will not mine.

We have been greatly blessed by our church. A number of people have blessed our socks off. I have also realized that we have a great church in general. Our pastor has a phenomenal gift with teaching. In our mid week service we went through Leviticus and now we are in Numbers and it seem strange to say that they have been exciting books and I have learned more that I ever thought possible. Here is the web site http://www.onelove.org/ we have pod cast and video on there.

God really is good. Even though I am tired thinking back I am amazed at how good GOD is all the time even when I'm not noticing. I need to work harder to notice HIS goodness. My focus need to make a change from the - to the +. It's crazy how easy it is to focus on the - and so hard to remember the +. Maybe I'm the only one with that problem.

Down Again

I don't know what's going on. My downs seem to be coming more often and I really don't like it. I think that my pain might be part of the cause. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and sad to say that lately I have been reaching my limits. We are waiting for some blood work to come back. I have been having a really hard time with my hands, lots of pain, swelling. Then my hip seems to want to keep up and not miss out on the fun. Part of me wants to labs to come back with answers and part of me wants them to come back perfect.

Spent

I can't remember the last time I felt this spent. I am totally worn emotionally, and physically. I don't even have the energy right now to explain.

Baby Whisperer

So that a new title for me at church. It's cute but it hurts at the same time.

I have on three occasions put 2 different wee ones to sleep. One that had been crying for a long time and unable to be settled and the other that fights sleep even for MOM.

THe good thing is that when they were in my arms I felt like I was doing what I was made to do. The bad part is that they go home with MOM and I'm left with empty arms once again.

This does help to fight the stupid thoughts that pop in my head that I would be a BAD MOM. A BAD MOM would have a knack for putting wee ones to sleep even the hard ones.

New Job

So I finished my time off. This week I started my new job. I really like it. I feel really stupid, but did I think was going to happen. I had been in the same job type for 17 years. Of course learning tons of new things would be overwhelming. I am so tired that I really can't explain any more. My brain is shutting down.