The Stork

Tonight I find myself really wishing that the stork was how babies came. Kind of silly I know. That way I wouldn't be feeling defective because my body hasn't gotten pregnant in 8 years, well ever.

I am really can't wait til we are able to fly to Fiji and adopt. There are just so many things that go through my mind. The biggest one is what is going to happen next to block out journey there. I know that everything that has happened and will happen is part of GOD's plan. I know that HE is faithful and any other obstacles that arise will be used for growth and good. I dream of what it will be like to finally have a little one. And I really wish it was happening tomorrow. Although I know that having everything lined first is best.

Then I feel guilty that I wonder what our children would look like if I was able to get pregnant. I'm pretty positive that they would be the cutest little one on the planet. Truly I'm not bad looking and Jason is pretty handsome.

Maybe we will end up will a house full of gorgeous Indian children from Fiji. Maybe we will have a little of both. I'm just sitting here with my arms empty and a longing for them to be filled with a baby.

It doesn't help that I found out just the other day that my brothers brother had another baby. That makes 3 boys. What's harder for me is that the were married one year after Jason and I.

I'm just very full of tears right now that are not holding back for anything.

Confused

So I got the new job. It doesn't start until Jan 7th. Earlier I was extremely excited. Now I am strangely bummed. It doesn't make sense. I went from bouncing excitement to blah. Everything is falling into place. We move into out new place on Saturday. What more could I want? I really don't know.

Cozy, Snuggley

For the last few days it has been cool here. Mid 70's to low 80's. Funny how I think that is cool now. The great thing is that in the mornings is has been low to mid 70's in our room. So we have been sleeping with the blanket on. As you can imagine this doesn't happen much is the air con is not on. With this being a 4 day weekend I have been able to be lazy and snuggle in bed. It has been very refreshing. The other great thing is that it had been raining some too so I have been accompanied by the sound of beautiful rain while being cozy in bed.

On another note I've been packing too. Yesterday as I packed I came across a picture of Jason at about age 3. He was sooo cute. I had a little pang in my heart that we might not know what our kids would look like. Now I really am Sooo excited about adopting and I can't wait until we hop on that plane foe Fiji. I know that GOD has a GREAT plan for us and HE is getting us ready for the child HE has for us.

Update

We are going to be moving in to a 2 bedroom on Dec 1st.

I had an interview yesterday and it went really well. It looks like I won't get what I was interviewing for which was front office, but I might be getting to work there doing back office which is what I like better. The Doctor seems really nice and very generous. The draw back is that the back office position isn't open until after the new year.

My current boss was trying really hard today to get on my last nerve. I kept repeating to myself, don't let it bother you, it's not that big of a deal. I hope that now that I have a possible new job I can hold out and keep my mouth shut.

My mom and I have had some great conversations about hurt and they have gone amazingly well. I'm sharing deeper with my Mom than I have in years.

We a planning to hold on going to Fiji to adopt until may or june. We decide that it would be best for us to get things in order before we bring a baby into things. I just wanted to jump on the plane and figure it all out later. A very smart friend gave me some really great wisdom. She said "I think GOD knew what he was doing when HE made our gustation period 9 months. It lets us prepare of the baby coming." well it went something like that.

That's all for now.

Thankful

I've been reading other blogs and at the verge of tears.

Sometimes it feels like my problems are so BIG. That is when I decide to look at my GOD through my problems and forget how BID HE is. When I get back into my right mind and look at my problems through my GOD I can see how small they are.

I have SO much to be thankful for. I have an awesome husband that supports me even when I'm off my rocker. GOD has us in a wonderful church family. We are making friends here in Hawaii. We are soooooo blessed. GOD is bringing healing into my relationship with my mom. HIS time is perfect. We could be parents in 6 months thanks to adoption. We have a new place to lie with more space. I might have a new job.

GOD love me and what could be better than that.

Failure

Today I'm feeling like one of the biggest failures in the world. Funny thing is it is attached to something I have no control over. My body is not doing what it was designed to do. Now I know that God is aware of this and that this is most likely part of his plan. I still feel like a failure because everything in this feels like its my fault. I'm unable to get pregnant for no known reason. My employer is unwilling to hold my job while we go to adopt. Now I know that switching jobs is not a bad thing, it is just hard to expect someone else to hire my with the knowledge that with in the next 6 months I will be need 3 weeks off. Most prospective employers don't want to hire someone who needs so much time off right away. It would be so much easier if my current employer would work with me. They all ready know how skilled I am. They say that my skills are very valuable to them but when the rubber meets the road they do not back up anything with they're actions (another good reason for another job).

I'm sure you are thinking what is the big deal with waiting a little longer??? After waiting for 7 years already I should be good at it and see that there is an end in sight. Instead knowing that it is so reachable makes it hurt more that we are back into a holding pattern. I'm feeling like my plane is going to run out of fuel before we get clearance to land. I know that tomorrow I will most likely feel differently.

Today I'm feeling that if my body would cooperate and work like it was made to all this other stuff wouldn't be a worry. I know GOD has a plan and through HIS plan he is working in me to make me closer to HIM. Just a lot of tears involved right now.

Pushing Through

It seems to be that once a week is my average at blogging. Many times I think about things to blog but I just don't make the time. There is so much going on right now.

We are trying to find another apartment. That doesn't seem like that hard of a task. Here in Hawaii its harder than any other place I've looked. The cost is high and for the price some places are so bad that you wonder how it is they could charge so much for nothing. You have to be diligent and keep looking even when you are discouraged by what you find. We are looking for a 2 bedroom apartment. Funny thing is that a 2 bedroom apartment that is 650 sq feet is going for the same price as we have rented our 1640 sq feet house in Colorado.

I am still looking for a job. Haven't found anything yet. I know that GOD will guide me to that place I'm supposed to be.

We are waiting and praying for the right time for us to go to Fiji. We want it to be GOD perfect timing. With everything going as fast as it has been I don't want to run ahead of GOD but I also don't want to freeze either. I know have my passport so that when the time is right we can go. It seems very unreal that in a matter of months we could be parents.

It's a little scary to think that we will have a little one soon. All these fears are trying to come in. Thing like we are getting in over our heads. I know I'm supposed to be a Mom. I know that GOD put that dream in me. Even through 7 years of infertility it was not extinguished. I guess that I knew in my heart that there would be a day I'd be a parent, I just kept thinking GOD has a plan. I guess my brain never thought of what it would be like when it happened.