How low can you go?

Tonight I find myself feeling at rock bottom. Crazy thing is looking at my situation I shouldn't be feeling this low. So many others have a lot worse situations than I. All I know is I feel aweful. I know that GOD is good and he has a plan. HE has big plans, I know this, but is still feel aweful. I am not where I thought I would be a 33. The biggest thing is I though by now I would be the parent of 2 or more kids. Didn't think I'd be working at least not full time. I want to be a full time mom, or making my primary job my kids and working part time when Jason is home to take care of them. My job is a total deadend. My attempts to find something new have turned up nothing. At work what I was given charge of has been given to someone else. Not because of performance, just because they were unable to find a Doctors Assistant to take my place so I could devote my time to the skin care treatment. So they hired an Estanitistion to take over the skin care treatments and I become second fiddle. It's not that I mind being second fiddle it just means that I'm stuck doing the same old boring stuff with out any challanges. I also looked a Real Estate here and that wasn't a good idea already feeling down. The only things we could afford are studio's or really really run down and aweful. To top it off my hip still is having spurts of hurting really bad and they haven't been able to figure out why. The silver lining is that I have a really amazing husband that is very supportive and loving even when I have a poopy attitude. I know everything is where it is for a reason and GOD has a plan that when it all pans out will be better than I could ever imagine. Just for now I'm tired of waiting. GOD please give me strength and joy.

Little One

So today I find myself really missing having a child. I'm watching a movie and for some reason it has me at tears wanting a little girl. Actually I really don't care about boy or girl, I just want a little one to hold. Tears are ready to flow but the words seem to be stuck. My heart is exploding with emotion but can't think of the words to write.

Hard

Today is in the middle of the 2 biggest losses of my life.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of the lose of the most amazing women I've every had the honor to know. She showed me the best example of how to be Godly wife and mother when I do have kids. She was to most giving person I know. She encouraged me in my sewing and belived in me even when I didn't. It was so forgien to me to have a motherly person be encouraging, supportive and 100% avalible. As I'm sure you can tell my mother was the opposite to Theresa. GOD used her to bring great healing to my heart in the arena of a mother. Since I had never seen the GOD consumed mother who's only goal was to love everyone so much that it gave an amazing picture of GOD himself. So selfless and loving.

Tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of my little brother David's death. Last year I went through the hardest most intense grieving of his death 2 weeks before the anniversary and wondered why and what was wrong with me it had been 12 years. Then Theresa passed. I am an example that GOD really doesn't give you more than you can bear. Even though it is very hard. He knew if I hadn't worked through the lose before I would had benn a bigger mess than I was. Also having just reprossessed through David's death I had all the feeling very fresh and was able to be emotionally avalable to help where I could. Even if it was only a hug or just a few words I was in familuar teritory. I really miss my little brother and wonder what he would be like now @ 29. He was only 16 when he died. It's funny how GOD works. I have a brother in-law that is exactlly the same age they were born 2 or 3 days appart. It's been great to see my brother in-law with his kids and think about my brother. It's hard to think that David has almost been gone as many years as he lived.

The great thing is that I know that both Theresa and David are in heaven. That both of them are no longer in pain and nolonger have limitations. I really miss both of them.

Round & Round

Tonight I'm in this never ending circle of wondering what I'm suposed to be doing with my life and feeling very useless. I know this is not true but my heart is sad. I still have not found a job. I know GOD will make it plain to me when the right one comes up, but if feels like its taking forever. Then there is the daily grind of things that feels so rutish. I'm tired of the same old same old. I want to know that I'm right where GOD wants me. I know that we are suposed to be here in Hawaii but my heart is longing for good friends. There are a few that I see a few times a week at church gatherings but no one yet that I can meet with one on one to really share my heart. I'm really feeling the drain of not having a close friend here. Blogging is good but not the same. When I'm feel like this it is normally after 8 pm here so most everyone I know is in sweet dreams and wouldn't much appreciate a call. I know that many of you wouldn't mind the call but the truth is I'm not so low that I feel ok call and waking people up. May be I'm so low because I haven't made it to the beach n weeks. Another thing adding to the lowness is hearing a small baby crying out our back window and wishing that we were being kept up all night with the sweet cry. I know it sounds crazy that I'm wanting to be sleep deprived and everything that goes with.

Time off

Today I was dreading telling my administraror that we had purchased our plane tickets. That after waiting 6 weeks to hear if it was ok to take the time off we could wait no longer. Also the cost was only going up. I was afraid that he would get on a major power trip. So I prayed for the right words to say. Well they were the right words because he didn't get upset or anything and he told me he was sorry that he hadn't gotten to it sooner. So he never did say my trip was ok but he didn't say it wasn't either. So with tickets bought I guess that means I have the time off. Guess I'll find out.

Bouncy, Bouncy

So we bought one of the exercise balls to sit on at the computer. I'm sitting on it now just in case you were wondering. Funny thing is that when I sit on it I bounce. Just a little. The only way I stop is if I tighten my but muscles really tight. Whats better is as I bounce i start getting into it and bouncing more until I'm a little like tigger. Then I start laughing because it's funny. Of couse when Jason sits he doesn't bounce and keeps asking me why I bounce of course I have no asnwer. Then we both laugh because when he asks I try really hard not to bounce and it only lasts a minute. It's great. GOD must of known I needed a laugh so I figured I'd share. Plus what are friends for but to share the silly stupid things we do :)

Wierd Body

Well again I heard from another Doctor that they are not sure what to do with my body. Well thankfully I have worked past that making me feel defective. Basicly I now think I'm a tool to keep Doctors humble and realize they don't have all the answers. Not always a easy mindset since I want them to have the answers and fix things, but it keeps me dependant on GOD and not man. We did find out the there is no kidney damage so we don't know what causes the pain around the kidneys that I have mildly a lot of the time. My hip pain is a mystery still too. Everything that should be helping me get movement back is either causing bad pain or actually decreasing movement. It's a little hard having a hurting hip when you walk back and forth to work 1 mile each way. Stairs aren't fun either and we live in a 3 story walk up and we are on the 3rd floor of course.

On a side note I still haven't heard anything about the resturant job. I LOVE waiting!!!!!

What do I feel?

I feel so undone that I don't even know what to think. As some of you know I'm a very planned person and not the best at change. Right now everything is so up in the air. It looks like I will be trying out a job for 2 weeks. If I like it I will be changing perfesions in to the food service industry. Of couse I can't start small. I will be trying out assistant managing at a Italian Resurant in downtown Honolulu. Also if the owner likes the way I take care of things I will be transfered to take over the new resturant in Waikiki. Nothing like a little pressure. I will be keeping my current job and working 7:30-4:15 there and going strait to the resurant to work from 5-9. Jason is a little worried that I will get overwhelmed. I'm excited for the change. But has left me feeling like a fish out of water. With that schedule It will greatly limit my time with Jason. I have been blessed with having 4 evenings during the week with him and that will go away if I stay at the resturant. But I will have Sat & Sun off.

Emotionally I'm confused. I have found that when I feel this way I have 2 movies that I tend to watch that make me feel better but I'm unsure why. The first one is Just Like Heaven ans the other is Ten Things I Hate About You. Which I watched both tonight. Just Like Heaven I think helps put things in perspective. Ten Things I Hate About You I think helps me see that what we're looking for is not always in the place we look but somewhere unexpected. All I know is I feel a little better.

I still feel emotionally unstable. This always happens when things are unsure and not concrete. Change is good but is very shaking for me. Funny thing is that I sent out 10-15 resumes and the Italian resurant is the only one that contacted me. Either it is GOD saving me from confusion or the other option is very depressing so I'll stick with the lack of confusion.

Where does the time go

I keep thinking about blogging and then next thing I know the day is over. Yesterday I went for a last minute interview. The only person so far to respond to my resume's that I've sent out. It went well. I have a meeting with the owner and his son for lunch today and we'll see how it goes. It would be totally differant. It would be assistant manager at an Italian resturant. It's very exciting and frightening at the same time.