Down playing a dream.

I started thinking today about how do you explain your deepest desires. How can words do justice for what makes your heart jump with excitement?

I was just thinking how people have tried to help me with my hearts desire to have kids by telling me I should be happy at the freedom we have since we don't have kid's. I can see how GOD has blessed us in our time with out children. I know we would not have moved to Hawaii if we had kid's. In the same thought it is like telling someone who is starving not to eat the hot dog in front of them because there are so many more foods that are better even though there are no other foods around. I know I have be guilty of down playing someone's dream that I have thinking I am doing them a favor by telling them some of the not so wonderful things about what they are dreaming about. How is that doing anyone a favor. Sometimes the bright side of something you are dreaming about is the only thing that keep you going in a hard spot. I am so sorry to anyone that I have done this to.

My heart is just bubbling and my eyes are near tears just thinking about my dream. The dream to be a mom. I have dreamed about this all my life. The 9 years of infertility have tried to steel this dream. There have been many days that there has barely been a glimmer left of this dream in the hard times. Even just a few months ago I was content for a little while with the thought of never having children. It was needed at the time because the pain in my body was so bad. Now that I have an idea about what causes the pain and that it will be an off and on thing instead of on all the time thing I feel like we can manage it and have children. I feel like GOD has renewed my dream of children.

Father GOD I thank you for the dreams that you have given us. I also thank you for the time of waiting knowing that you bring out wonderful things through the pain. I thank you that everything we go through allows us to be there to help others when they are going through hard times later. FATHER I pray for those who are in a dark place of their dream. I ask that you would bring them encouragement and that they would feel YOUR arms around them. FATHER I ask for your forgiveness for the times I have discouraged people about the dream YOU have given them. I thank YOU for the loving FATHER that YOU are. That you desire to give us our dreams and that YOU have perfect timing. I ask for YOUR help when the journey to our dreams is longer than we imagined and we get discouraged. FATHER I ask that I would become pregnant. I bring to YOU my dream of children and I ask that YOU would change my heart if it differs from the plans that YOU have for us. I leave it in YOUR loving hands. AMEN.

Over Drive

I woke up this morning very driven.

Yesterday I was much better, not crying at the drop of a hat. My drive is I was made with a mother's heart. GOD gave me this heart and I have felt it since I was a small child. So the trying to be ok without children thing is over. I also am feeling that I will get pregnant. After 9 years that a funny thing to think at least in my mind. I am ok with adopting but I feel strongly that I want to be pregnant. I feel that later we will adopt but not now.I may sound like a crazy women and I am a little.
What I'm sure of.
- GOD gave me this heart, if we were not supposed to have kids HE would have changed it by now.
- GOD knows what's going on with my back even if the doctors don't.
- GOD made my body and can make it happen.
- GOD is LARGE and in CHARGE.

So what I'm need from you who are reading. Please PRAY. Pray for all the things above.

On another note. I have been following a blog of a little guy going through a lot. Please go check him out at PRAYFORPARKER.COM He needs your prayer. His family need your prayer too. He is 3 years old after you see his picture you will think there is no way he's that old but he is. Pray for his healing and for the family finances. The families insurance does not cover a lot and in the beginning the family paid all the bills they could til they have nothing more to pay. Because of their trying to pay the bill collectors will not have mercy on them. So they are constantly hounded for money they do not have. Well you get the picture.

And it came.

Strange title. I just spent the last 6 days waiting for my period, and it came. You would think after 9 years I would be pretty good at this. THe good news is that I didn't cry at work today. But now I'm home and it won't stop. I am normally very on time so by day 6 I was pretty sure I was pregnant. That's what I get for thinking. All that time of working through not having kids seem to have all been wiped away. My heart is in a million pieces and I want to just give up. I know it is just the moment. I will be fine because GOD is faithful. I was so STUPID to have gotten my hopes up. Although I don't think I've ever been that late before. I really want a child. I would really like to experience being pregnant. Maybe it's just being around a lot of pregnant people I don't know. I do now a lot of people that are pregnant right now and I thought I was going to join them. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for them. I just wouldn't be able to talk about it right now with out tears. I feel very lost right now.

Ruff start

I started off my time on my own with a reaction to a new medication. The bad thing is a paniced and stopped all meds. Not knowing that one of the meds I'm on should not be stopped abruptly. So then I reacted to not having that med. I ended up in ER a very sick girl. It is so wonderful to have family and a great church family here. I felt so much love.

Now I'm doing much better. The battery in the Pathfinder decided to stop working. This was only a little bump in the road. Now it's all fixed and everything is going well.

I am ready for Jason to be back. He returnes on the 9th. YEA! This will be the longest we have been apart.

MOPED!!!!

We got a MOPED a week ago Saturday. I have ad so much fun. The plan was for Jason to use it on the days he doesn't need to haul things. The problem is I LOVE it. I enjoy it so much. It's so much better than the bus. I see us getting another one when we can. Unless Jason doesn't like it then it's all mine.