Sleep Study

So I slept over at a sleep lab Saturday night. My sleep was normal for me, so hopefully there will be some answers. It takes 2 weeks to find anything out.

Broken and bruised

It has been a while. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I went through 3 month of being ok with never having children. Feeling like GOD could do just a amazing things with us with out kids. That we'd have freedom to go where ever GOD called without hesitation. Then I'd have moments of feeling split. Liking the idea of freedom but also wanting to be a MOM. Now it's a very different story. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I used to be able to have baby time with friends kids and it would help take the ache away. Now it just makes it worse. My heart feels like that is what I was made for. Not just a little here with someone else's child. But to have my own. It has been almost 10 years now. GOD has used this to grow me in so many ways. And Jason & I are at a level we wouldn't be at without this path. I feel lost and hopeless. My arms and heart ache to have a little one I don't have to give back. As I put this into word I'm weeping and can't stop. I'm so confused. If we aren't meant to have children why does it hurt so bad. Why doesn't GOD take the ache away? The adoption thing is not an option right now. Jason feels uncomfortable with going ahead know my pain can return at any moment and he'd be care giver of 2 and having to work also. I can understand that the thought of that would be overwhelming and I respect his feeling. I told Jason I was ok with it because GOD was bigger that him. I thought that if the longing and aches strengthened that I would become pregnant. But that's not the case. It doesn't help that I know more people than I can count that are pregnant or just had a baby. I truly am happy for them and their joy. The part I don't like is the awkwardness some get around me when they know they are pregnant. That and finding out through the grape vine hurt in a way I can't explain.

As for my back pain it has been really bad lately. I finally had to do a course of meds to be able to function. The big problem now is my sleep. No matter what I take to help me sleep I wake up exhausted. The theory is that the bad sleep is what starts the cycle because I don't go into the deep restorative sleep then the snowball starts rolling til I can't function, then we do a course of meds to calm it down for a bit. For the moment it's calm but no matter how much I sleep I am exhausted.

I know you must be thinking what is she thinking. if sleep is a big problem it would only be worse with a baby and the pain would probably be worse. Sometime our emotions are not logical.

On the positive side I went surfing 2 weeks ago and caught 2 good waves. That may not sound like much but the feeling is unexplainable. Last week was too windy and rainy for surfing to be fun and this week is very busy with Easter. Hopefully the wind will calm down and we'll be able to surf more. We are also planning a get away to Maui for a week to rest and relax. We realized it had been 3 years since we have had a real vacation and that was when we visited Hawaii in March 2006.