10 YEARS

At the end of this week will be Jason & My 10 year Anniversary. I can't believe it's been 10 years. I am so blessed by my wonderful husband. GOD really did a wonderful job picking my husband, HE knew just what I needed. Jason has been so strong through all of the pain stuff and he's good at keeping me focused on GOD. I'm excited to see what GOD does in the next 10 years.

No more appendix

Friday at 3am Jason and I went to the ER. I had been in pain since 5pm Thursday. The good thing is that I was the perfect appendix presentation. From the moment I arrived that was the first thing they mentioned. So after all was done I had surgery at 10am and then released from the hospital 3pm Saturday. There was no leaking so it was a simple surgery.

Today is my first day back to work and so far so good. It's lunch time and I'm a bit tired. Praise the Lord I'm up and moving and that my boss is wonderful.

Good news

The pain is less. Not needing to take as many meds. I'm very happy about that. I'm seeing a new physical therapist and it is helping a lot. This is such a praise report. Thank You GOD.

New Doc

So I have seen the new doc twice now. He's given me stretches and had me get a thing so I can massage my own back & shoulders. Back is a bit better, but neck is getting worse. Not sure what to do. Pain is sooo bad. All I can do is pray.

So it's been a while.

So the sleep study came up with nothing as expected. I see another Doc on friday we'll see what happens.

Trip to Colorado was a whirlwind. Loved seeing everybody. Although my body never really got used to the thin air and dryness. I had 3-4 bloody noses. Good news is sleeping was no problem. Was able to hang out with my sister for a day.

Maui was Fabulous. Everyone should go, not all at once though, that would make maui more like Ohau. It's a slower pass but very fun. Great to just relax for a week. Saw the Warren & Annabelle magic show. It was great. Clean, no cursing and sooo funny.

Have thought about getting a second car and selling the moped. Crazy story. Saw a car pull over, passenger get out, wait for an oncoming biker on the sidewalk, throw biker into bushs against an apatment building, puch the snot out of him, then get back in car and the driver took off. The whole while I'm on my moped in traffic, I almost yelled at him but then realized I'm on a moped. No windows to role up or doors to lock. Then I drove til I could pull off and call 911. So now I want a car with windows to roll up and doors to lock.

Sleep Study

So I slept over at a sleep lab Saturday night. My sleep was normal for me, so hopefully there will be some answers. It takes 2 weeks to find anything out.

Broken and bruised

It has been a while. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I went through 3 month of being ok with never having children. Feeling like GOD could do just a amazing things with us with out kids. That we'd have freedom to go where ever GOD called without hesitation. Then I'd have moments of feeling split. Liking the idea of freedom but also wanting to be a MOM. Now it's a very different story. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I used to be able to have baby time with friends kids and it would help take the ache away. Now it just makes it worse. My heart feels like that is what I was made for. Not just a little here with someone else's child. But to have my own. It has been almost 10 years now. GOD has used this to grow me in so many ways. And Jason & I are at a level we wouldn't be at without this path. I feel lost and hopeless. My arms and heart ache to have a little one I don't have to give back. As I put this into word I'm weeping and can't stop. I'm so confused. If we aren't meant to have children why does it hurt so bad. Why doesn't GOD take the ache away? The adoption thing is not an option right now. Jason feels uncomfortable with going ahead know my pain can return at any moment and he'd be care giver of 2 and having to work also. I can understand that the thought of that would be overwhelming and I respect his feeling. I told Jason I was ok with it because GOD was bigger that him. I thought that if the longing and aches strengthened that I would become pregnant. But that's not the case. It doesn't help that I know more people than I can count that are pregnant or just had a baby. I truly am happy for them and their joy. The part I don't like is the awkwardness some get around me when they know they are pregnant. That and finding out through the grape vine hurt in a way I can't explain.

As for my back pain it has been really bad lately. I finally had to do a course of meds to be able to function. The big problem now is my sleep. No matter what I take to help me sleep I wake up exhausted. The theory is that the bad sleep is what starts the cycle because I don't go into the deep restorative sleep then the snowball starts rolling til I can't function, then we do a course of meds to calm it down for a bit. For the moment it's calm but no matter how much I sleep I am exhausted.

I know you must be thinking what is she thinking. if sleep is a big problem it would only be worse with a baby and the pain would probably be worse. Sometime our emotions are not logical.

On the positive side I went surfing 2 weeks ago and caught 2 good waves. That may not sound like much but the feeling is unexplainable. Last week was too windy and rainy for surfing to be fun and this week is very busy with Easter. Hopefully the wind will calm down and we'll be able to surf more. We are also planning a get away to Maui for a week to rest and relax. We realized it had been 3 years since we have had a real vacation and that was when we visited Hawaii in March 2006.

Long Time

It's been a while since last post. For about a month I couldn't post because when I logged in it wasn't an option. Then today I randomly tried and I could post.

I've been doing good. My back has calmed down a lot. I just have to be careful with what I do. I got a custom surf board for Christmas. I have an awesome husband.

We move tomorrow. We are going to be renting a little house in a quite area so that will be nice.

Jason is enjoying surfing a lot. He's getting really good.

We have friends in town. They leave Friday. It's been good having them here.

Nothing else new, same old.